i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We don't watch enough power rangers
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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