I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
