Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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