I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
