If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
