Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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