Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
