she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
