The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I want to be your penis for a week.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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