How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
