While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
