wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
