So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
