On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
