I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
