saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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