I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
