Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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