im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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