Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
