Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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