if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
