Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
