Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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