dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
