Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
