The maid of honor just puked.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
