Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
