When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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