If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
