i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
