my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
