At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
