I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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