i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
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