I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
