areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Randomize
