also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
