i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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