My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
