i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
