I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
