I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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