Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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