Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
