I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
