Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
