i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
