I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
