Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
